I Lost a Person

Since high school, I have gained and lost and gained and lost alot of weight. Keeping track of weight loss is beginning to seem a bit meaningless to me, because you have to pick some arbitrary point in time and go from there. Sure I can say, “Today, I’m starting a new diet and my new goal is ‘x’.” There’s always something in me that keeps thinking about other times I was trying to lose weight, other goals, other failures, other successes.

I use phrases like “my all-time heaviest” or “my old skinniest.” Sure, at one point, I used to weigh 352lbs., but that was a couple of years ago. Can that still “count” toward what I’m doing? If so, then the fact that I dieted my way down to 250lbs. should still “count” against me — especially since I was 250 more recently than I was 352. Chasing the numbers makes me tired.

I finally realized it all doesn’t matter. The only things that does matter is where I am right now. Having lost weight before is helpful only in that it reassures me I can do it again. Having gained wieght back doesn’t hurt me, but it does serve as a good reminder that if make the wrong choices, I’ll be moving in the wrong direction.

But, how to track my progress?

I needed a point in the past, before all the gains and losses, where my weight was a known fixed point. This way, my weight loss could be continually tracked with an absolute measure. Then it hit me — just go all the way back to the beginning. How much did I weigh when I was born. A quick check of my birth records showed 7lbs. 7oz. Perfect!

I like this new system because it accomplishes a few things:

• It focuses on where I am now, not where I’ve been. The only relevant information there is my current weight, and it’s the only information that I really need.
• It reminds me that the whole notion of tracking weight loss from some arbitrary point, that chasing the numbers, is kind of absurd.
• It helps make all the ups and downs a total wash. I can focus on what to do now, instead of being bogged down by what I did before.

Clean states are good.

226.4

Thursday – so, after last night, didn’t want to get on the scale this morning.  was not happy with how many times I had strayed from the path of eating healthy over the past week.  But, to be honest, although I didn’t make the right choices 100% of the time, I did at least 50% of the time if not more (I’m really not interested in calculating this, although if I had time I think it would be fun to do it). 

On the Today show this morning, there was a woman on who was talking about something, what was it?  She had a British accent and a lisp which I found endearing, she wrote a book…I guess it doesn’t matter but she said the basic elements of being able to achieve whatever it is the book she wrote was teaching you to achieve – these basic elements were:

Sleep
Excercise
Eating Healthy
Drinking Water

Well, well – I think you need these four basics to be successful at anything.  And currently, I’m working on ONE of them, but it got me thinking, I can’t really take a singular approach to being a healthier person.  A happier person.  I have to incorporate all of these things.  I don’t drink any water, at all.  I don’t exercise, at all.  I rarely sleep more than 6 hours per night, if I even get 6.  So here’s something else I’m going to tally each week for the next few weeks:

Sleep 8 hours at least two nights per week
Drink at least 1 glass of water every day
Exercise at least two times per week, not counting walking 20 minutes each way to work

After a few weeks, I’ll increase the sleep, water and exercise, but I want to start with something manageable, or else I know I’ll get discouraged. 

Wednesday – another early meeting.  Missed breakfast with Dave again L  Had omelette with turkey sausage and large skim latte.  So sad to miss out on such a beautiful day, but didn’t have time to even walk anywhere to get lunch.  Went downstairs, got a chicken Caesar and came right back up.  Got stuck late at office, and wanted comfort food.  Got whole wheat mac n cheese from Supermac.  It took them over an hour to get it here, and it wasn’t even hot, but it was yummy!

Tuesday – had an early morning meeting, had to be at the office at 8:30.  Missed breakfast with Dave.  Had cheese omelette and turkey sausage with large skim latte.  Went to lunch with Alice, who sits next to me at work – it’s her last week   We went to the Italian place across the street, Salute.  She never knew they had a take out area down the block (bad signage).  We both goth enormous foccaccia sandwiches, with mozzarella, roasted vegetables, and a small salad with a little olive oil/balsamic in a cup.  We went onto the patio to eat, it was such a beautiful day! I don’t even like foccaccia, so I put it aside, cut up the cheese/veggies and mixed it into the salad.  It was awesome.  Made garlic chicken and broccoli for dinner, yummy!!!  Vanilla pudding for dessert (fat-free, sugar-free, pudding look-alike).

Monday – Had sore tummy all night and most of the morning from food combo yesterday.  Eggs for breakfast, lunch, salad. stayed on the plan though, to try to feel better after Sunday.   La Pastaria for dinner – mussels, stuffed pepper, broccoli.  Saw the the pepper was stuffed not with meat but with breading.  ate most of it anyway.  Either from the guilt of the mussels, was naseous all night.  Dave got me tums, and airborne (only plop-fizz in the house).  Felt a little better after that.

May 4 – Day 4

So Dave and I woke up at a reasonable hour, had breakfast, and headed down to south Jersey for our nephew Joey’s communion.  My first.  We tried to listen to a station that we saw at a booth at the Summit arts & crafts festival, 101.9 – the day of the festival, they were playing great music.  I knew almost every song, and liked all of them.  But for some reason on Sunday, they kept playing songs we didn’t want to hear.  Thank g-d for Sirius!  We tried the coffee house but it was too mellow to get us going for the day, so ended up trading between Hair Nation and the 90s alternative stations.  We love Hair Nation

We got to the church, and it was a bright, sunny day – absolutely gorgeous.  The church had very high ceilings, timber with lots of light streaming through windows.  We found Dave’s mom and sister Katie, with a bunch of nephews and Joey’s sister Liz.  It was the first time we’d seen them since our wedding, and the kids looked so cute and were all bubbly and fun.  We sat down with them and then the service started.  

Katie said to me, after the kids who were going to be receiving their first communion walked in, that she loves the way they all look – they look so holy.  Watching them all dressed up in their suits and dresses, girls with veils, hands in prayer – they did look very holy, but I didn’t feel it the way Katy was, in her heart and soul.  I know that I well up inside sometimes when I’m in temple, so I totally understood where she was coming from, what she was feeling. 

After the mass and kids took pictures, we headed back to Dave’s sister Ava’s (Joey’s mom) to set up for the party.  There wasn’t much for me to do – I put out some snacks in bowls, put the cushions on the patio furniture – and got a chance to relax and talk with Ava and Katie and Dave’s mom.  It was a gorgeous day.  

Tally:

Breakfast – cheese omelette, turkey bacon, crystal light, coffee
Morning snack – cheese stick
Afternoon snack – doritoes, spinach dip / rye bread cubes, cheese curls
Linner (Dunch?) – uh oh…
Chicken finger, mac n cheese, sausage / cheese / tomato sauce on roll, more mac n cheese, broccoli
Dessert – rice krispie treat (with fun blue sprinkles which made them have blue spots!) 

The idea for this blog came up a couple of years ago. Stephanie and I were on the South Beach Diet, and doing really well. I started out at 352lbs. and had reached a big milestone. I was down to 252lbs. I had lost 100lbs.! My friend Matt said, “Wow, that’s more than my daughter weighs. You lost a person!” “Yeah,” I thought, “I lost a person.”

I was trying to get down to 199lbs., and that goal was finally in sight. I had lost one person of weight. Maybe it was a small person, but it was still fun to think of “a person” as a unit of measurement. But “I Lost a Person” worked on a different level for me. I thought I had left behind all of the baggage that went along with being overweight. I had new clothes. People at work noticed the change. I was getting compliments all the time. I lost a person – the fat person that I used to be.

I thought I had it all figured out. Not only had I lost so much weight, I did it without exercising. I went to the gym twice, overdid it both times to the point where I couldn’t lift my arms without wincing in pain, and decided to chuck the whole idea of exercise for a while. So, my weight loss was all diet — all me — pure will power.

People were constantly asking me for advice. They wanted to know my secret. They couldn’t believe that I had lost 100 lbs without doing any exercise. I bragged about all of the foods I had given up that other people could never live without (white bread, pasta, potatoes, beer, you name it). I felt great about myself and thought I had all the answers. I would start a blog and call it “I Lost a Person” and I would pass my wisdom on to the world.

And I would never be fat again.

When you’re overweight, being thin can seem monumental, life-changing, all-important and all-consuming. It can seem like a state of perfection that is a final destination. “One day, I will be thin,” we pledge to ourselves. But, we rarely think about what kind of person we’re going to be the day after that “one day.”

So, I’m writing this to say there is no destination. There is no state of perfection. Getting thin is just a series of thousands of little decisions, one after another. We have to make dozens of these decisions a day. The thing that I have come to realize is that I own all of the consequences of my decisions.

I can’t reconcile, “I want to eat a cheeseburger with fries” with “I want to lose weight.” If I decide to eat the cheeseburger and fries, I’m also deciding that I want to gain weight. If I decide that I want to lose weight, then I’m also deciding that I don’t want to eat the cheeseburger and fries. That’s it. It’s that simple. The decisions we must make are neverending.

So, after having gained back over half of that 100lbs. back, I have lost something as well. I no longer think of food as “bad” or “good”, or of myself as either for having eaten it (or not). Now, I think about the direction that I want to be going in, and whether the next step I take (which is the only thing I can control right now) is going in that direction.

I lost the unrealistic notion of reaching perfection. I lost the smug feeling that I know it all. I lost the idea that I was a “fat person” that was becoming a “thin person.”

This insight has changed who I am, and once again, I lost a person.

Day 3 – May 3

Woke up early, went back to bed.  Woke up again around 9, thought -I’ll put some laundry in, went back to bed.  Woke up at 10:46 – wow!!!  Hey, when I get the chance to sleep in, I’ll take it.  had a leisurely breakfast with Dave, then he went to get a bond for our nephew’s communion tomorrow.  He’s so thoughtful and generous.  Love this man so much!  We still have a few errands to run, but we don’t have to leave for Diane’s housewarming party until about 6:00pm, so we’ve got plenty of time.  

Was going to get my hair cut today.  I haven’t had my hair cut for over a year. Usually cut it twice a year, once at the beginning of summer, then again for the holidays in December.  but since we got engaged last July, I let it grow so that I have more flexibility for the style for the wedding.  it’s so long now!  I cannot WAIT to cut it.  But – for some reason, I keep not making the appointment at my regular place in the city.  I’ve been going there since I first moved to NYC in 1991.  bumble and bumble.  I don’t mind spending $100 to get my haircut, since I only go twice a year.  I called the salon by my house in Summit to see if they could take me today, and they said there were fully booked.  I might just walk over there and see if they’ll take me as a walk in.  Don’t know why, but I’m just desperate to get it cut today.  Well, not desperate enough to get in the car and go somewhere.  Anyway.  

Just have to get some fruit salad to bring tonight, and some groceries for the week, and some cards (niece extremely belated birthday card, nephew communion card, and housewarming card for Diane).  Actually, Dave reminded me last night that we already got Diane a housewarming gift when she moved in and had us over for dinner.  But that’s ok – we just got her a game this time, a really cool one – Earthopoly – maybe we can play it tonight.  

It’s 1pm right now.  I’m feeling like even though I’ve got five more hours, I should get hopping.  time can go by really slowly when you don’t have anything to do, but really quickly when you do.  don’t want to have to rush anything.  want to relax, take it slowly, enjoy the day.  Tomorrow we’ll be in the car for at least four hours, going back and forth to south jersey for the communion.  it will be my first one, so I’m excited to see what it’s like.  I’ll get Dave to talk me through it in the car on the way down.  (we’re in a mixed marriage)  Time to start the day!  

ps- I KNOW that you aren’t supposed to weigh yourself every day, and I didn’t today.  But I did yesterday!!!  And I also know that the first two weeks, all the weight you lose is water weight.  But still the scale said I lost 3 lbs.  I know it’s not about the number.  Yadda yadda.  But I still felt good!  I’m going to resist today, and try to wait until next Thursday to do it again.  Really.  

Day 2 – May 2

Worked from home today.  Had a gazillion conference calls, plus a few documents to write, and would have gotten to distracted if I had gone into the office.  Plus, don’t have to waste the three hours commuting.

Breakfast: two egg omelette with chopped onions and 2% cheddar cheese, cooked in Pam butter spray. two pieces turkey bacon (the oscar meyer/louise rich is our favorite). decaf coffee with skim lactaid, crystal light tangerine strawberry. I just can’t drink the sunrise orange, don’t know why, can’t stand it.  Dave drinks it every morning, and they never have the tangerine strawberry in the stores.  They did once, never again.  I’ve asked my mom and sister to be on the lookout, their stores never had it either.  Finally broke down and ordered it from Amazon.  And then of course, had to order enough stuff to qualify for the free shipping.  That wasn’t too hard, though.  Got another Murakami (Wild Sheep Chase) it will be my fourth book of his, Diane would be so proud.  But that’s another story for another time. If we ever finish and publish our book… Anyway, also ordered senseo decaf, and then the other half of our everyday flatware.  We got half as a gift for our wedding, and it’s been really annoying using two different sets.  Finally washed the new stuff and put it all away, looking at the matching set in the drawer made me happy.  Doesn’t take much sometimes!

Morning snack: awesome cheddar with chives, supposedly from the Cotswalds, that I bought at a fair in Summit last weekend.  The woman said it was from the Cotswalds, in Ireland.  I told her – the Cotswalds are in England.  She then said – oh, it’s my first day selling this stuff, I got confused.  That cheddar over there is from Ireland.  Whatever.

Lunch: leftover frozen chili.  didn’t love it.  The texture changed a LOT from when I first made it.  but I was just looking for something quick to heat up.  Had some reduced fat sour cream on top.  And a bottle of water.

Afternoon snack: stacey’s pita chips and jalapeno hummus (which was awesome, from the same stand where I got the chive cheddar at the fair). 

Afternoon snack 2: more chive cheddar, it’s sooooo good

Dinner: Dave drove me to the mall, cause I had a million things to return from before the wedding.  one shower gift (got two electric knives), a set of jewelry that I was going to wear my wedding day, in case Dave didn’t get me something, but he did  . A bathing suit, some makeup that I was a little pressured into buying, but didn’t use – I’d rather have dark circles than use concealer, etc.  Shoes.  Ended up returning the jewelry, makeup and knife.  Well done.  got Taco salads at Qdoba without the yummy tortilla shell of course.  But they were still really good.  Lettuce, pico de gallo, medium green salsa, steak, cheese, sour cream.  Got us diet stewart’s cream soda in the bottle at the liquor store, we stopped in to get lottery tickets cause the mega millions was up to a million.  I didn’t go crazy, just bought $10.  we both make enough to live the way we want to live – but since we got married, we want to buy a house, start a family and of course some free money would make things easier!

Dessert: chocopops (still breyers light, awesome).

Day 1 – May 1: 

Breakfast: two slices low-salt, low-fat american cheese; two slices store-roasted, everything free turkey; shredded lettuce; coleman’s mustard. cup of decaf coffee with fat-free lactaid and splenda. water, vitamins.

Morning snack: stick cheese (mozzarella)

Lunch: (I should write this every day, how is it that I’m having trouble remembering what I ate for lunch a mere two days ago!!!) Let me see…Oh! That’s right!  Janine took me to lunch to celebrate my recent marriage to Dave  We went to Friday’s, we were walking around our midtown [NYC] neighborhood, looking at all of the same places we always go – Pret, Burger Heaven, Mulligans, and then we spotted a Friday’s.  We looked at each other, both waiting for the other to speak.  I said “I like Friday’s” and she giggled and said “Me, too!” We laughed that we were both suburban chicks who actually like Friday’s and dammit, we were going to eat there for lunch and like it.  We both had the grilled salmon caesar salad.  I dipped my fish in the low-fat cilantro lime dressing (yummy) and drizzle the caesar dressing on my salad.  Regular caesar dressing is So not on the plan, whatever.  The only way I’ll stick to this is if I allow little digressions here and there.  I know some plans say you can’t do that – but this isn’t a diet, it’s a new way of eating for me, so it is what it is.  For now anyway!  Diet coke, water.  C’est tout.

Afternoon snack: round cheese (babybel light)

Happy hour: Thursday is happy hour at our office.  Wasn’t in the mood to stick to the plan.  And, Dave said he didn’t feel like starting today either, he had cereal for breakfast, and I don’t know what else for the rest of the day.  So, I had some tostitos scoops with guacamole and salsa, some carrots and celery with dip, some cheese (manchego and goat), a dried apricot, a candied walnut.  

Dinner: whole wheat rotini (blech, wish I remembered the brand, I always buy different brands to see which one is the least gritty and offensive, and this one was NOT it), Emeril’s vodka sauce (too sweet for my taste, added red pepper flakes while heating it up, that helped), turkey meatballs, parm cheese.  Caesar salad with Cardini’s light caesar dressing (again, yummy), parm shreds.  Crystal light iced tea.

Dessert: chocopops (that’s what Dave and I called any dessert on a stick).  This week, we got the breyers light.  They’re so light and fluffy.