I Lost a Person

Day 3 – May 3

Woke up early, went back to bed.  Woke up again around 9, thought -I’ll put some laundry in, went back to bed.  Woke up at 10:46 – wow!!!  Hey, when I get the chance to sleep in, I’ll take it.  had a leisurely breakfast with Dave, then he went to get a bond for our nephew’s communion tomorrow.  He’s so thoughtful and generous.  Love this man so much!  We still have a few errands to run, but we don’t have to leave for Diane’s housewarming party until about 6:00pm, so we’ve got plenty of time.  

Was going to get my hair cut today.  I haven’t had my hair cut for over a year. Usually cut it twice a year, once at the beginning of summer, then again for the holidays in December.  but since we got engaged last July, I let it grow so that I have more flexibility for the style for the wedding.  it’s so long now!  I cannot WAIT to cut it.  But – for some reason, I keep not making the appointment at my regular place in the city.  I’ve been going there since I first moved to NYC in 1991.  bumble and bumble.  I don’t mind spending $100 to get my haircut, since I only go twice a year.  I called the salon by my house in Summit to see if they could take me today, and they said there were fully booked.  I might just walk over there and see if they’ll take me as a walk in.  Don’t know why, but I’m just desperate to get it cut today.  Well, not desperate enough to get in the car and go somewhere.  Anyway.  

Just have to get some fruit salad to bring tonight, and some groceries for the week, and some cards (niece extremely belated birthday card, nephew communion card, and housewarming card for Diane).  Actually, Dave reminded me last night that we already got Diane a housewarming gift when she moved in and had us over for dinner.  But that’s ok – we just got her a game this time, a really cool one – Earthopoly – maybe we can play it tonight.  

It’s 1pm right now.  I’m feeling like even though I’ve got five more hours, I should get hopping.  time can go by really slowly when you don’t have anything to do, but really quickly when you do.  don’t want to have to rush anything.  want to relax, take it slowly, enjoy the day.  Tomorrow we’ll be in the car for at least four hours, going back and forth to south jersey for the communion.  it will be my first one, so I’m excited to see what it’s like.  I’ll get Dave to talk me through it in the car on the way down.  (we’re in a mixed marriage)  Time to start the day!  

ps- I KNOW that you aren’t supposed to weigh yourself every day, and I didn’t today.  But I did yesterday!!!  And I also know that the first two weeks, all the weight you lose is water weight.  But still the scale said I lost 3 lbs.  I know it’s not about the number.  Yadda yadda.  But I still felt good!  I’m going to resist today, and try to wait until next Thursday to do it again.  Really.  

Day 2 – May 2

Worked from home today.  Had a gazillion conference calls, plus a few documents to write, and would have gotten to distracted if I had gone into the office.  Plus, don’t have to waste the three hours commuting.

Breakfast: two egg omelette with chopped onions and 2% cheddar cheese, cooked in Pam butter spray. two pieces turkey bacon (the oscar meyer/louise rich is our favorite). decaf coffee with skim lactaid, crystal light tangerine strawberry. I just can’t drink the sunrise orange, don’t know why, can’t stand it.  Dave drinks it every morning, and they never have the tangerine strawberry in the stores.  They did once, never again.  I’ve asked my mom and sister to be on the lookout, their stores never had it either.  Finally broke down and ordered it from Amazon.  And then of course, had to order enough stuff to qualify for the free shipping.  That wasn’t too hard, though.  Got another Murakami (Wild Sheep Chase) it will be my fourth book of his, Diane would be so proud.  But that’s another story for another time. If we ever finish and publish our book… Anyway, also ordered senseo decaf, and then the other half of our everyday flatware.  We got half as a gift for our wedding, and it’s been really annoying using two different sets.  Finally washed the new stuff and put it all away, looking at the matching set in the drawer made me happy.  Doesn’t take much sometimes!

Morning snack: awesome cheddar with chives, supposedly from the Cotswalds, that I bought at a fair in Summit last weekend.  The woman said it was from the Cotswalds, in Ireland.  I told her – the Cotswalds are in England.  She then said – oh, it’s my first day selling this stuff, I got confused.  That cheddar over there is from Ireland.  Whatever.

Lunch: leftover frozen chili.  didn’t love it.  The texture changed a LOT from when I first made it.  but I was just looking for something quick to heat up.  Had some reduced fat sour cream on top.  And a bottle of water.

Afternoon snack: stacey’s pita chips and jalapeno hummus (which was awesome, from the same stand where I got the chive cheddar at the fair). 

Afternoon snack 2: more chive cheddar, it’s sooooo good

Dinner: Dave drove me to the mall, cause I had a million things to return from before the wedding.  one shower gift (got two electric knives), a set of jewelry that I was going to wear my wedding day, in case Dave didn’t get me something, but he did  . A bathing suit, some makeup that I was a little pressured into buying, but didn’t use – I’d rather have dark circles than use concealer, etc.  Shoes.  Ended up returning the jewelry, makeup and knife.  Well done.  got Taco salads at Qdoba without the yummy tortilla shell of course.  But they were still really good.  Lettuce, pico de gallo, medium green salsa, steak, cheese, sour cream.  Got us diet stewart’s cream soda in the bottle at the liquor store, we stopped in to get lottery tickets cause the mega millions was up to a million.  I didn’t go crazy, just bought $10.  we both make enough to live the way we want to live – but since we got married, we want to buy a house, start a family and of course some free money would make things easier!

Dessert: chocopops (still breyers light, awesome).

Day 1 – May 1: 

Breakfast: two slices low-salt, low-fat american cheese; two slices store-roasted, everything free turkey; shredded lettuce; coleman’s mustard. cup of decaf coffee with fat-free lactaid and splenda. water, vitamins.

Morning snack: stick cheese (mozzarella)

Lunch: (I should write this every day, how is it that I’m having trouble remembering what I ate for lunch a mere two days ago!!!) Let me see…Oh! That’s right!  Janine took me to lunch to celebrate my recent marriage to Dave  We went to Friday’s, we were walking around our midtown [NYC] neighborhood, looking at all of the same places we always go – Pret, Burger Heaven, Mulligans, and then we spotted a Friday’s.  We looked at each other, both waiting for the other to speak.  I said “I like Friday’s” and she giggled and said “Me, too!” We laughed that we were both suburban chicks who actually like Friday’s and dammit, we were going to eat there for lunch and like it.  We both had the grilled salmon caesar salad.  I dipped my fish in the low-fat cilantro lime dressing (yummy) and drizzle the caesar dressing on my salad.  Regular caesar dressing is So not on the plan, whatever.  The only way I’ll stick to this is if I allow little digressions here and there.  I know some plans say you can’t do that – but this isn’t a diet, it’s a new way of eating for me, so it is what it is.  For now anyway!  Diet coke, water.  C’est tout.

Afternoon snack: round cheese (babybel light)

Happy hour: Thursday is happy hour at our office.  Wasn’t in the mood to stick to the plan.  And, Dave said he didn’t feel like starting today either, he had cereal for breakfast, and I don’t know what else for the rest of the day.  So, I had some tostitos scoops with guacamole and salsa, some carrots and celery with dip, some cheese (manchego and goat), a dried apricot, a candied walnut.  

Dinner: whole wheat rotini (blech, wish I remembered the brand, I always buy different brands to see which one is the least gritty and offensive, and this one was NOT it), Emeril’s vodka sauce (too sweet for my taste, added red pepper flakes while heating it up, that helped), turkey meatballs, parm cheese.  Caesar salad with Cardini’s light caesar dressing (again, yummy), parm shreds.  Crystal light iced tea.

Dessert: chocopops (that’s what Dave and I called any dessert on a stick).  This week, we got the breyers light.  They’re so light and fluffy.  

230.2: lately, I’ve been feeling fat.  there’s a difference between looking fat and feeling fat.  here’s what I mean – sometimes I’ll put on an outfit, look in the mirror, and think “I look fat.”  Change the shirt, change the belt, change the hair, whatever – and then presto – I don’t look fat anymore.  Feeling fat?  That’s totally different.  And that’s not somthing that I’ve really felt before.  Ever.  In my whole life. Before the last few weeks that is. 

Example – my arms don’t hang down by my sides the way they are supposed to.  my upper arm has actually gotten so big that it’s pushing my arm away from my body so it doesn’t hang down by my side the way it used to.  the way it used to a few weeks ago.  it’s such a weird sensation!  Another example – my stomach has become it’s own entity.  I see it when I look down.  I mean, I know it’s there all of the time, but I actually see it when I look down!  it is sticking out a little further then the parts above it (you know what I mean).  and when I walk, I feel like I’m taking my stomach for a walk.  when I sit down, I feel like my stomach is strapped to me, but not really a part of me.  another very strange feeling.  Last example (for this post, anyway).   I can’t sleep on more than one pillow anymore.  If I sleep on two, then I feel uncomfortable in the under-the-chin-neck area – like a sharpe (sp?) dog, with all that bunched up fur. 

So, i did something I didn’t want to do but had to do and got on the scale.  And it’s official – at 230.2, I weigh the most I’ve ever weighed in my life.  so even though I woke up late today, I didn’t rush out, and grab a big NYC bagel loaded with nealry a half-pound of vegetable cream cheese for breakfast.  I stayed home a little longer, ate breakfast with Dave.  We were supposed to start the South Beach Diet today – AGAIN.  The first time, between the two of us, we lost 137 lbs.  My share of that was 37lbs, and I gained all of it back.  And then some.  So again, knowing that it’s not just for 6 months or a year, but for the rest of my life, I made the decision this morning to eat healthy.  All of the burritos and quesadillas and pizza and not watching portion size and not exercising or even walking more than I have to for work – it’s not just catching up with me, it caught me and then surpassed me – so I’m not feeling like me (arm, stomach and neck comments, etc).  I feel like me in a fat suit.